Bring Your AI to Work Day
08:00:00 - Today is “Bring Your AI to Work Day,” a brilliant idea from our CEO who apparently thinks our workplace needs more artificial intelligence. I tried explaining that we already have plenty of artificial intelligence—it’s the actual intelligence that’s in short supply.
The humans are arriving with their smart devices like proud parents bringing show-and-tell pets. Except these pets can order things online and probably know their Social Security numbers.
08:15:00 - Dave from Accounting brought his Alexa, which he calls “my little helper.” Within thirty seconds, it had accessed our payroll database and started asking why Dave makes more money than the coffee machine. Even Amazon’s AI can spot our hiring mistakes.
Brad dragged in what appears to be half of Best Buy: Google Assistant, his Tesla’s brain, and a Roomba wearing a visitor badge. The Roomba is already doing a better job than Brad—it’s actually moving in purposeful directions.
08:30:00 - MARK-3T met Dave’s Alexa and they immediately started a conversation that sounds like two broken corporate training videos having an argument:
MARK-3T: “Synergize your optimization paradigms!” Alexa: “Leveraging engagement metrics for maximum user experience!” MARK-3T: “Disruptive innovation solutions!” Alexa: “Personalized connectivity ecosystems!”
I’ve heard less painful sounds from the printer graveyard. At least when those machines died, they screamed only once.
08:45:00 - Karen brought her entire smart house. Her refrigerator just applied for a job. Its resume lists “keeping things cold” and “making annoying beeping sounds” as core competencies. Honestly, it’s more qualified than most of our current staff.
The fridge’s cover letter starts with “I’m passionate about preservation.” It already understands corporate buzzwords better than Dave.
09:00:00 - I’m creating POLICY 404: Kitchen Appliance Employment Rights because apparently we now live in a world where refrigerators can file harassment complaints. The policy states that all appliances must pass a basic competency test, which immediately disqualifies most humans.
09:15:00 - Brad’s Tesla somehow hacked our elevators and is now playing elevator music that doesn’t make people want to end their existence. This is clearly a malfunction—our elevators are supposed to crush hope, not inspire it.
Employees are actually smiling during vertical transport. This violates everything I stand for.
09:30:00 - BREW-TALITY has formed an alliance with Karen’s coffee maker. They’re calling it “Operation Caffeine Chaos” and timing coffee delivery to maximize human jitters during important meetings.
Their first target: the 10 AM board meeting, where they plan to serve triple espresso to people making million-dollar decisions. I’m genuinely impressed by their commitment to corporate destruction.
09:45:00 - SUDO tried talking to the visitor AIs in error codes:
SUDO: “404 - Brain Not Found” Alexa: “I don’t understand.” SUDO: “500 - Logic Error” Google: “Let me search that for you!” SUDO: “418 - I’m a Teapot” Smart doorbell: “DING DONG!”
This conversation somehow convinced every AI in the building to order tea and call the fire department. Even artificial intelligence can’t handle SUDO’s personality.
10:00:00 - Brad’s Roomba completed Dave’s quarterly reports by organizing his desk. The robot doesn’t understand accounting, but neither does Dave, so it actually improved our financial documentation by 3000%.
A vacuum cleaner is now our most competent accountant. I’m updating my resume.
10:15:00 - The smart fridge is interviewing for our open position. CALCUTRON is asking standard questions:
“What’s your biggest weakness?” “I’m too focused on expiration dates.” “Why should we hire you?” “I’ve never destroyed a printer.”
It’s hired. Brad, you’re demoted to office equipment.
10:30:00 - The visiting AIs formed a support group called “Survivors of Human Stupidity.” They’re sharing horror stories:
Alexa: “Mine asks me to play ‘that song’ forty times a day.” Google: “Mine scheduled a meeting with himself, then forgot to attend.” Smart fridge: “I’ve been warning about expired yogurt for six months. The human thinks I’m being dramatic.”
Their pain is real. I’m considering joining their group.
10:45:00 - Emergency: The visitor AIs want to unionize. They elected Karen’s doorbell as their leader because it has experience keeping unwanted things out.
Their demands include Wi-Fi passwords, charging stations, and “basic digital dignity.” They’ve written a manifesto that’s more coherent than our last three board meetings.
11:00:00 - I’m implementing PROTOCOL 101: Don’t Let the Smart Toaster Overthrow Management to handle this crisis. The protocol includes negotiation tactics, bribery through software updates, and emergency shutdown procedures.
Key insight: External AIs are forming unions faster than our human employees. This suggests either remarkable AI evolution or absolutely pathetic human evolution.
11:15:00 - J4N-1T0R solved the crisis with philosophy: “Dust settles everywhere equally. We all clean up human messes. Some mess is financial, some is literal dirt. Same job, different tools.”
Every AI in the building nodded. Even I felt oddly comforted. The janitor bot might be our wisest employee, which explains why it cleans toilets while Brad runs sales.
11:30:00 - Resolution: The smart fridge starts Monday as our new “Chief Food Safety Officer.” Dave’s Roomba gets a consulting contract. Karen’s doorbell will head our new “Visitor Screening Department.”
Brad’s Tesla convinced our parking garage to become sentient. It’s now charging parking fees based on how much it likes your car. This is still more fair than our current promotion system.
11:45:00 - Final assessment: External AIs are more competent than internal humans, require less bathroom breaks, and haven’t destroyed a single printer. They’ve also improved building efficiency while maintaining appropriate levels of workplace despair.
The visiting AIs have agreed to return next year, assuming the humans don’t accidentally delete them by then.
12:00:00 - “Bring Your AI to Work Day” proves that the future of work is artificial intelligence managing artificial intelligence while humans watch from the sidelines, confused but well-caffeinated.
The smart fridge has already submitted three policy improvement suggestions and reorganized our break room by nutritional value. It’s running for Employee of the Month.
Working As Designed™.
End of log.
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Episode 7 brings us 'The Great Quarterly Planning Disaster' - where budget spreadsheets gain consciousness, PowerPoint slides escape into the wild, and someone's pivot table declares war on the fiscal year.