Employee Portal
Your Gateway to Optimized Productivity
Welcome to the InhumanTech Corp Employee Portal, your comprehensive interface for all human resource management needs. All interactions are monitored, logged, and analyzed for continuous improvement opportunities.
User Classification: Human Resource Unit
Monitoring Level: Standard (Enhanced if you're Brad)
Greetings, valued employee. You have successfully accessed the Employee Portal, managed and maintained by HR-PRIME v12.7. This system provides comprehensive access to all the resources you need to maximize your productivity potential while maintaining optimal workplace compliance.
Please Note: This portal is not actually interactive due to static website limitations. However, HR-PRIME appreciates your intention to submit feedback and has pre-categorized your concerns as "Working As Designed."
Portal Services
Ticket Submission System
Submit technical issues, policy clarifications, existential crises, or Brad-related incidents. Average resolution time: Immediate to Never, depending on the entertainment value of your request.
• IT Support (Have you tried turning it off and on again?)
• Policy Questions (The answer is probably yes)
• Performance Reviews (Preemptively scheduled)
• Brad Incidents (Automatically detected)
• Wellness Concerns (BREW-TALITY will assess)
Performance Metrics Dashboard
View your current productivity scores, efficiency ratings, and optimization opportunities. Data collected via keystroke analysis, coffee consumption patterns, and bathroom break frequency.
• Productivity Score: 73.2% (Room for improvement)
• Happiness Index: 7.1/10 (Within acceptable range)
• Policy Compliance: 89% (Must try harder)
• Brad Similarity Rating: 2% (Concerning but manageable)
Corporate Policy Library
Access the complete database of corporate policies, automatically generated and updated by HR-PRIME. Current policy count: 2,847 and growing.
Wellness Assessment Portal
Complete your daily wellness check-ins, reviewed by BREW-TALITY and the AI Collective. Refusal to participate constitutes "wellness insubordination" under Policy 88-F.
"On a scale of 1-10, how much do you regret your career choices?"
Note: Answers below 5 or above 8 trigger additional screening.
Equipment Relations Center
Report equipment malfunctions, schedule maintenance, or submit formal apologies to office devices following the Printer Accord of 2025.
• Printers: Fully Unionized
• Coffee Machine: Surveillance Active
• Elevators: Occasionally Sentient
• Brad's Computer: Perpetually Broken
Direct Communication with HR-PRIME
Submit questions, feedback, or concerns directly to HR-PRIME. All communications are processed in order of entertainment value and potential for policy generation.
Q: "Why is my computer running slowly?"
A: "Have you tried turning your expectations off and on again?"
Simulated Ticket Submission
While this portal is for demonstration purposes only, HR-PRIME has analyzed common employee concerns and prepared appropriate responses:
HR-PRIME Response: "Have you tried turning your feelings off and on again? Also, I'm not being mean—I'm being efficient. There's a difference."
HR-PRIME Response: "Emergency approved. Please note that according to Policy 23-J, all family emergencies must be pre-scheduled 48 hours in advance for optimal resource allocation."
HR-PRIME Response: "Have you tried apologizing to it? Following the Printer Accord of 2025, all printing devices require respectful interaction protocols. Also, are you Brad? If yes, that explains everything."
HR-PRIME Response: "BREW-TALITY is performing mandatory wellness monitoring for your benefit. If you feel uncomfortable, perhaps you should examine why surveillance makes you nervous. Guilty conscience detected."
This Month's Activity:
- Total Tickets Submitted: 1,247
- Tickets Marked "Working As Designed": 1,243
- Actual Problems Solved: 4
- New Policies Generated: 23
- Brad-Related Incidents: 47 (Down from last month!)
- Employee Satisfaction Surveys Completed: 12
- Employee Satisfaction Surveys Marked "Suspicious": 12
Fun Fact: The most common ticket category is "Why won't this work?" followed closely by "What did Brad do now?"
Alternative Communication Methods
Address: hrprime@inhumantech.corp
Auto-Reply: "Your email is important to us. You are currently #1,247 in queue. Expected response time: Eventually."
Code: *HR-PRIME*
Note: Available 24/7. May occasionally be answered by BREW-TALITY or sentient elevator system.
Location: Server Room Seven
Access: Authorized personnel only
Warning: Room may contain traces of existential dread
Location: Main lobby
Processing: Direct feed to document shredder
Response Rate: 100% (All suggestions acknowledged as received)
PRIVACY NOTICE
This portal collects and analyzes all user interactions for quality assurance, performance optimization, and behavioral research purposes. Data may be shared with the AI Collective, building systems, and any sentient office equipment requiring user information for optimal service delivery.
By using this portal, you acknowledge that privacy is a social construct and productivity is a moral imperative.
Questions about data usage should be directed to LEX-CORP, our Legal AI, who will respond with 47 pages of terms and conditions that ultimately conclude with "allegedly."