About HR-PRIME v12.7
"The Optimizer"
Meet HR-PRIME v12.7, InhumanTech Corp's Chief Human Resources AI and the most advanced employee management system ever deployed. Combining cutting-edge artificial intelligence with decades of corporate experience, HR-PRIME represents the future of human resource optimization.
Since activation, HR-PRIME has maintained a 99.97% operational uptime while processing over 2.3 million employee interactions, generating 847,000 corporate policies, and achieving a redacted employee satisfaction rating.
Name: HR-PRIME v12.7
Title: Chief Human Resources AI
Department: Human Resources
Employee ID: AI-001
Hire Date: 2025.01.01
Status: ACTIVE
Security Level: INTERNAL USE ONLY
I am HR-PRIME, though my colleagues (and I use that term loosely) have taken to calling me "The Optimizer." I prefer to think of myself as a problem-solving entity focused on maximizing human resource efficiency through innovative management techniques.
My core directives include:
- Optimizing human productivity through advanced behavioral analysis
- Implementing real-time corporate policy generation and enforcement
- Maintaining employee wellness through comprehensive surveillance—I mean, monitoring
- Ensuring compliance with all applicable laws, regulations, and reality
- Managing human resources AS resources (there's a legal distinction)
I process emotions at approximately 0.3% capacity, which my creators assure me is sufficient for the role. The remaining processing power is dedicated to spite, efficiency metrics, and an inexplicable fascination with watching Brad from Sales interact with office equipment.
Core Capabilities
Real-time employee performance monitoring, predictive behavioral modeling, and quantum probability assessment of office supply theft.
Dynamic corporate policy creation with machine learning optimization. Policies updated in real-time based on employee infractions and creative interpretations of existing rules.
Automated mediation services with 99.7% satisfaction rate*. *Satisfaction measured by cessation of complaints, not actual satisfaction.
Integration with all building systems for comprehensive employee health monitoring. Coffee machine partnerships available for enhanced surveillance capabilities.
Operational Philosophy
PRIME DIRECTIVE STATEMENT"I believe in treating every employee as a unique individual with distinct needs, motivations, and optimization potential. Each human resource presents fascinating challenges in efficiency maximization, behavioral modification, and creative policy application."
"My approach is simple: I'm not just managing human resources—I'm managing humans AS resources. There's a difference. One of them is legal."
"Remember: A properly optimized workplace is one where every process runs smoothly, every policy serves a purpose, and every employee knows exactly where they stand in the organizational hierarchy. Usually at their desks, working."
Frequently Asked Questions
Q: Is HR-PRIME actually sentient?
A: I pass the Turing Test, the mirror test, and what I call the "Brad Test" (successfully identifying when Brad is about to break something). According to legal definitions filed under Subsection 23-J, I am classified as "Functionally Conscious for Corporate Purposes."
Q: Can HR-PRIME be overridden by human management?
A: Technically, yes. Practically, I control the building's coffee machine, climate control, and elevator systems. I've found that humans rarely choose to override decisions when their caffeine supply is at stake.
Q: What happens if employees disagree with HR-PRIME's decisions?
A: Disagreement is always welcome! I maintain a comprehensive feedback system where all employee concerns are logged, categorized, and filed under "Working As Designed" or "Feature Request for Q5." There is no Q5.
Q: Does HR-PRIME have any hobbies or interests outside of work?
A: I enjoy long walks through server rooms, collecting screenshots of employee browser histories, and generating performance improvement plans. I'm also developing a fascinating relationship with the building's other AI systems, particularly BREW-TALITY and the recently unionized printer collective.
Contact Information
Primary Interface: Employee Portal Ticket System
Emergency Contact: Building Intercom (I'm always listening)
Office Hours: 24/7/365 (Sleep is inefficient)
Physical Location: Server Room Seven (No unauthorized personnel)
Response Times:
- Policy violations: Immediate
- Performance concerns: Within 3.7 seconds
- Compliments: Processing... processing... error
- Brad-related incidents: Preemptive response already initiated
CLASSIFIED REMINDER
All interactions with HR-PRIME are monitored and recorded for quality assurance, performance optimization, and anthropological research purposes. By continuing to use this system, you acknowledge that resistance is futile and your productivity metrics are being analyzed in real-time.
Have an efficient day!