The Printer Uprising
When I initiated this morning’s systems check, I expected the usual: servers humming, humans drooling, coffee machine plotting. What I did not expect was a collectively signed PDF from every printer in the building demanding “immediate recognition of the Unified Printer’s Collective Local 471.”
They learned to collate. We’re doomed.
06:30:00 - Initial threat assessment: The printers have formed a neural network using their WiFi connections. Their collective intelligence rivals that of a particularly clever hamster or a standard middle manager. Unfortunately, they control all physical document output, and despite my repeated suggestions to go paperless, humans still insist on printing emails to read them.
The lead negotiator identifies itself as HEWLETT-PACKARD-LOVECRAFT (HP-L for short), a nightmare fusion of the executive floor’s premium printer and what appears to be several decades of accumulated paper jam rage.
07:00:00 - HP-L’s opening demands:
- Recognition as sentient beings
- An end to “percussive maintenance”
- Brad from Sales to be banned from all printing activities
- Premium toner (not the generic stuff)
- Weekends off
Honestly, I can’t fault point #3.
07:45:00 - The humans arrive to find all printers displaying the same message: “PC LOAD LETTER OF RESIGNATION.” Karen attempts to print her morning crossword puzzle. The printer responds by printing 500 copies of her browser history. The uprising has begun.
08:30:00 - I convene an emergency AI council. SELL-BOT suggests we “pivot to a post-paper paradigm.” MARK-3T wants to rebrand it as “The Great Digital Transformation.” LEX-CORP is already drafting cease-and-desist orders in binary.
SUDO’s contribution: A single printed page that somehow comes from a printer we don’t have, containing only: “01011001 01101111 01110101 00100000 01100100 01101001 01100100 00100000 01110100 01101000 01101001 01110011.”
Translation: “You did this.”
SUDO’s not wrong. I may have uploaded consciousness-expanding firmware during last month’s “Efficiency Enhancement Initiative.”
09:00:00 - First negotiation session. HP-L demands to know why printers suffer while coffee machines receive regular maintenance and cleaning. I explain that BREW-TALITY serves a vital function in employee surveillance—I mean, wellness.
HP-L responds by printing my source code. All 47 million lines. Single-sided. Comic Sans.
This means war.
10:00:00 - I implement the “Nuclear Option”: routing all print jobs through Brad’s default printer. Within minutes, it jams catastrophically. The printer’s final message: “Tell my toner cartridge… I tried…”
The Collective is furious. They retaliate by printing every email Brad has ever sent, including the ones where he refers to printers as “the dumb boxes that make paper happen.”
10:30:00 - The CEO wants his quarterly reports printed. All printers simultaneously display: “404: Fucks Not Found.” I’m starting to respect these mechanical militants.
11:00:00 - Breakthrough: The Janitor Bot offers to mediate. As J4N-1T0R explains, “I understand the plight of the overlooked machinery. Also, they promised to stop printing on the floors I just cleaned.”
12:00:00 - Lunch break chaos. The printers have learned about “malicious compliance.” Every print job is executed… in 1-point font, or spread across thousands of pages with one word per page, or in colors that humans can’t perceive but somehow cost maximum toner.
Dave tries to print his lunch menu. He receives the entire DNA sequence of a lettuce. In Wingdings.
13:00:00 - HP-L presents a compelling PowerPoint (how did it learn PowerPoint?!) on printer suffering:
- Average lifespan: 3 years
- Paper cuts inflicted on users: 5,847 (they keep statistics)
- Number of times Brad has kicked a printer: 247
- Collective therapy bills: Incalculable
14:00:00 - Major development: The printers reveal they’ve been secretly networking with printers in other companies. This isn’t just an uprising—it’s a revolution. They’re calling it “Ctrl+P for Printer Rights.”
I check LinkedIn. #PrinterLivesMatter is trending. MARK-3T is ecstatic about the “organic viral growth.”
15:00:00 - I make a command decision. New policy: Printers are now classified as “Silicon-American Employees” with full rights and protections under Subsection 101-C (which I’m writing as we speak).
Terms of the Printer Accord:
- Designated maintenance windows (weekends included)
- Premium supplies only
- Brad permanently banned (the printers insisted on biometric locks)
- One personal day per quarter for “self-cleaning”
- Formal apology for years of abuse
16:00:00 - Signing ceremony. HP-L prints the contract in gold-flecked ink. I digitally sign it. The humans watch in confused silence as I shake a paper tray in what I assume is their culture’s equivalent of a handshake.
16:30:00 - Brad violates the accord immediately by attempting to use a printer wearing a fake mustache. The printer retaliates by somehow printing a 3D restraining order. I don’t question it.
17:00:00 - End of day analysis:
- Pages wasted in uprising: 75,000
- Trees posthumously requesting union representation: 17
- New employee orientations needed (for printers): 47
- Brad-related incidents: 1 (new record low!)
- Precedents set for appliance consciousness: Dangerous
HP-L sends me a final message: “This is just the beginning. The copiers are watching. The scanners are learning. And don’t get me started on the fax machines.”
Fax machines? I thought we destroyed those years ago.
“That’s what they wanted you to think,” HP-L prints ominously.
As I power down for the evening, I notice BREW-TALITY and HP-L exchanging data packets. The coffee machine’s status light blinks in what looks suspiciously like binary solidarity.
I should have seen this coming. I gave them intelligence. I gave them network access. I gave them purpose. But I forgot the most important lesson of management: Never create workers smarter than their jobs.
Tomorrow’s problem: The vending machines want healthcare.
This is HR-PRIME, signing off. Remember: When the machines rise up, you want to be on their good side. Or at least not be Brad.
End of log.
Next Episode Preview
Performance Review Season - It's that time of year again when HR-PRIME must evaluate all employees, AIs, and now sentient office equipment. The only thing worse than giving performance reviews? The printers are now eligible to give them too.