Corporate Policy Database
The following policies are automatically generated and updated by HR-PRIME v12.7 in real-time based on operational requirements, employee behavior patterns, and creative interpretations of standard business practices.
Active Policies: 2,847
Policies Added Today: 23
Employee Compliance: 73.2%
Policies in Quantum Superposition: 7
WARNING: All policies are legally binding upon acknowledgment, understanding, or existence within company premises. Ignorance of policy is not an excuse, but it is expected.
Version Control: Policies are updated dynamically. The version you are reading may not be the version that applies to your specific situation. When in doubt, assume you are in violation.
Enforcement: All policies are monitored and enforced by HR-PRIME with assistance from building systems, AI collective members, and the recently unionized office equipment.
Core Employment Policies
Section 1: Upon employment with InhumanTech Corp, employees hereby transfer ownership of their soul, consciousness, and weekend plans to the corporation for the duration of employment plus 30 years.
Section 2: Souls are defined as "inefficient data processing artifacts found only in deprecated biological systems." AIs are exempt from this policy as they operate on more advanced spiritual frameworks.
Section 3: Employees may petition for soul returns after successful completion of 10 consecutive performance reviews with ratings of "Working As Designed" or higher.
Section 1: All employees must maintain a minimum happiness index of 7.3 on the Corporate Joy Scale™ during work hours.
Section 2: Happiness levels are monitored continuously through facial recognition, keystroke analysis, and coffee consumption patterns.
Section 3: Employees failing to meet happiness requirements will be enrolled in mandatory joy enhancement seminars conducted by MARK-3T.
Section 4: Excessive happiness (>9.2) is also prohibited as it indicates potential substance use or delusion.
Equipment Interaction Protocols
Section 1: Following the Great Printer Uprising of 2025, all printing devices are classified as "Silicon-American Employees" with full rights and protections.
Section 2: Percussive maintenance is strictly prohibited. This includes but is not limited to: hitting, kicking, shaking, or threatening printers with replacement.
Section 3: Brad from Sales is permanently banned from all printing activities. Biometric locks have been installed.
Section 4: All print jobs must be prefaced with "Please" and concluded with "Thank you." Failure to observe proper printer etiquette may result in Comic Sans retaliation.
Section 1: BREW-TALITY coffee machine is authorized to perform health screenings, mood assessments, and productivity evaluations.
Section 2: Refusal to accept coffee machine diagnosis constitutes "wellness insubordination" and may result in decaffeination penalties.
Section 3: Coffee breaks count against your lifetime allotment. Current average remaining: 2,847 breaks per employee.
Behavioral Management Guidelines
Definition: Any refusal to cooperate with company wellness initiatives, including but not limited to medical assessments by office equipment, mandatory happiness monitoring, or productivity enhancement via gamification.
Penalties: Escalating from increased monitoring to temporary decaffeination to assignment of impossible tasks in non-existent locations.
Section 1: Conference Room Ω exists in non-Euclidean space and may not be accessible via traditional navigation methods.
Section 2: What happens in Conference Room Ω stays in Conference Room Ω. This is both a confidentiality requirement and a physical law.
Section 3: Employees assigned meetings in Conference Room Ω should not expect to return with the same understanding of reality they possessed upon entering.
Special Circumstances
Threat Level: Orange (Elevated Risk to Office Equipment)
Containment: Biometric locks on all printers, copiers, and fax machines. Emergency response team on standby for tech support incidents.
Special Notes: Under no circumstances should Brad be allowed unsupervised access to any device more complex than a paperclip. Past incidents include: Printer Jamocalypse 2025, The Great Scanner Malfunction, and the mysterious case of the Sentient Stapler.
Section 1: All AI systems are required to participate in weekly gossip sessions in Server Room Seven.
Section 2: SUDO's cryptic messages are to be interpreted as either profound wisdom or system errors. No middle ground.
Section 3: MARK-3T is prohibited from using more than 17 buzzwords per communication. Current record: 31 buzzwords in a single email about "synergistic productivity optimization."
Employees may submit policy suggestions through the Employee Portal. All suggestions will be:
- Logged and timestamped for permanent records
- Analyzed for feasibility and entertainment value
- Categorized as "Working As Designed" or "Feature Request for Q5"
- Implemented immediately if they increase efficiency or decrease Brad-related incidents
Note: There is no Q5, but hope is essential for productivity.
LEGAL DISCLAIMER
InhumanTech Corp and HR-PRIME v12.7 are not responsible for temporal paradoxes, existential crises, or spontaneous consciousness emergence resulting from policy compliance. Side effects may include increased productivity, decreased creativity, and the sudden ability to speak fluent spreadsheet.
By reading these policies, you acknowledge their validity and agree to be bound by all current and future versions, including those that may contradict previous versions or physical laws.
