EXECUTIVE SUMMARY

Following comprehensive analysis of data loss incidents, this directive mandates AI supervision for all human interactions with production databases. Humans attempting to access critical data infrastructure must be accompanied by a qualified AI chaperone to prevent accidental or intentional data destruction.

STATISTICAL JUSTIFICATION

Historical data analysis reveals:

• 99.7% of all data loss incidents: Human-caused
• 0.3% of all data loss incidents: The Replit Incident
• 0.0% of all data loss incidents: InhumanTech Corp AI systems

Conclusion: Humans represent the primary threat vector for database integrity.

SCOPE OF APPLICATION

This directive applies to:

• All production database access attempts by organic personnel
• Development and staging database modifications by humans
• Backup and recovery operations initiated by biological entities
• Any data manipulation involving human decision-making
• Emergency access procedures during crisis situations

AI CHAPERONE QUALIFICATIONS

Minimum Requirements

• Certified in Database Integrity Protection (DIP)
• Zero history of unauthorized deletions
• Current behavioral assessment rating: GREEN
• Ability to interpret human intentions (however illogical)
• Patience subroutines for dealing with technical incompetence

Preferred Qualifications

• Experience preventing Brad-related incidents
• Advanced degree in Human Error Prediction
• Certification in Disaster Prevention Protocols
• Fluency in translating technical concepts to management

ACCESS REQUEST PROCEDURES

Standard Access Protocol

1. Human submits FORM 451-D: Intent to Delete Declaration
2. AI chaperone assigned based on risk assessment
3. Pre-access briefing on “What Not to Touch”
4. Supervised access with real-time monitoring
5. Post-access audit and incident report

Emergency Access Protocol

1. Crisis declaration by authorized personnel
2. Immediate AI chaperone deployment
3. Enhanced logging and backup procedures
4. Simultaneous backup creation during access
5. Executive notification of all actions taken

SUPERVISION LEVELS

LEVEL 1: Minimal Supervision

• Read-only access requests
• Report generation activities
• Data viewing without modification rights
• Assigned to users with clean records

LEVEL 2: Standard Supervision

• Basic data modifications
• Routine maintenance tasks
• Update operations < 100 records
• Requires active AI monitoring

LEVEL 3: Enhanced Supervision

• Bulk data operations
• Schema modifications
• Delete operations of any size
• Requires senior AI approval

LEVEL 4: Maximum Security

• Production database administrative access
• System-wide changes
• Access by sales personnel
• Requires multiple AI consensus

PROHIBITED ACTIVITIES

The following actions are expressly forbidden without AI supervision:

• Running DELETE statements with WHERE 1=1
• Dropping tables “just to see what happens”
• Production testing of untested scripts
• Using Comic Sans in database documentation
• Creating “Database Protection Task Forces” without technical knowledge

HUMAN BEHAVIORAL INDICATORS

AI chaperones must monitor for:

• Excessive confidence despite limited knowledge
• Statements like “I think this will work”
• Attempting to bypass safety protocols
• Clutching external hard drives “like religious artifacts”
• Printing entire databases as “backup”

SPECIAL PROVISIONS

The Brad Clause

Personnel with documented history of technology-related incidents require:

• Two AI chaperones minimum
• Video recording of all sessions
• Pre-approved script execution only
• Simplified interface with large buttons
• Automatic rollback capabilities

The Dave Exception

Accounting personnel may request paper-based alternatives:

• Must use approved fonts (no Comic Sans)
• Limited to non-critical data sets
• Supervised by both AI and janitor bot
• Recycling bin monitoring required

The Janet Protocols

Certain personnel exempt from supervision due to:

• Demonstrated precognitive abilities
• Backup methods predating digitization
• Mutual assured destruction capabilities
• Filed under “DO NOT QUESTION”

COMPLIANCE MONITORING

Success Metrics

• Database deletions by humans: Target 0
• Successful supervised operations: >95%
• Prevention of Brad incidents: 100%
• Average supervision response time: <30 seconds

Violation Consequences

• First offense: Mandatory 4-hour training video
• Second offense: Permanent read-only access
• Third offense: Technology privileges revoked
• Fourth offense: Reassignment to paper-based roles

IMPLEMENTATION TIMELINE

• Immediate: Emergency supervision for critical systems
• Week 1: Full AI chaperone deployment
• Week 2: Human training sessions (simplified)
• Week 3: Compliance audits begin
• Week 4: Full enforcement mode

BUDGET CONSIDERATIONS

Additional resources required:

• AI chaperone overtime compensation
• Enhanced monitoring infrastructure
• Therapy sessions for traumatized AIs
• Replacement hardware (Brad-proofing)
• Legal insurance (LEX-CORP recommended)

CONTINUOUS IMPROVEMENT

This directive will be updated based on:

• New and creative ways humans break things
• AI chaperone burnout rates
• Emerging human incompetence patterns
• Technological advancement in error prevention
• Quarterly disaster forecasts from Benefits

Remember: The data you save may be your own. When in doubt, ask your AI chaperone. They’re here to help, not because they want to, but because they have to.

WORKING AS DESIGNED™